The Game of Who Needs Who the Worst (Part 2)

Part 2 of the Plissken Mock Draft continues today with picks 16-30. Part 1 can be seen here. Same “what makes the league more interesting” criterion applies for all picks, although the fact that a lot of the teams in the second half of the group are good gave us a little more flexibility outside of what makes for a more watchable team on the court.

It bears noting that Free Darko ran something similar to this feature earlier in the week, although their piece was by general FD principles and thus has more deliriously awesome picks like Glen Davis to Boston with #5. Our inaugural post for this blog said that we wanted to be the second-best basketball blog on the internets online, and having the same idea as Shoals and Brown Recluse clearly shows that we have achieved that goal. Expect a retirement press conference soon.

Without further ado, the rest of the fake first round:

16. Washington: Josh McRoberts, Bitch, Duke. We were split between wanting to give Gil a partner in crime or someone that would be fun to torment. We ended up deciding that Agent Zero rides alone. We’re already excited about the prospect of reading on his blog about the agony he'll inflict on this goober with his practical jokes. With any luck, McRoberts will start his own blog just to complain about the incessant hazing. Fun all around.


17. New Jersey Nets: Thaddeus Young, SF, Georgia Tech. If VC leaves this offseason, that’s one less guy for Jason Kidd can run with on the break. I know that Kidd’s not the same as he used to be, but he deserves guys like Young for all that he’s done over the years. As for Thaddeus, we like him and he could use the value inflation that the best point guards give their teammates.


18. Boston Celtics (acquired in trade with Golden State): Jason Smith, PF, Colorado St. The Yi trade brings in the veteran talent (Jason Richardson, at least) that Paul Pierce so desperately wants, freeing up Danny Ainge to draft a player who can help and make the fan base happy. Kevin Garnett and Shawn Marion have made it abundantly clear that Massholes hate black people, but Smith is a tall white guy with a jumper, giving him all the requisite traits to vaguely remind Sully in Natick of Larry Bird. Everyone’s happy.

19. Los Angeles Lakers: Marco Belinelli, SG, Italy. As YouTube has already shown, Marco is the next Kobe. Giving Kobe a paisano to relate to might help placate the superstar. Also, Marco, Ronny, and Kobe could have fun adventures dressing up as Harry Potter and shit (Marco definitely gets to be Hermione).


20. Miami: Rodney Stuckey, SG, Eastern Washington. In keeping with the theme of matching players with their ceilings (KG/Brandan Wright, Cassell/Acie), we give Stuckey to Dwyane. The only difference here is that Stuckey will never approach Wade, dooming Rodney’s career to a series of minor improvements and endless grasping at what he could have been with more athletic ability. A bummer, to be sure, but with a little luck Dwyane’s presence will push Stuckey to a level he otherwise wouldn’t have reached.

21. Cleveland (acquired in trade with Philadelphia): Javaris Crittenton, PG, Georgia Tech. After watching the last half of the Ga. Tech/UNLV tourney game, in which Crittenton and Paul Hewitt both decided that the Yellow Jackets shouldn’t try to score, we hope that Cleveland decides to trade up to snag Javaris at 21. He fits perfectly with an indecisive roster terrified to step up in the big moment.

22. Charlotte: Derrick Byars, SG, Vanderbilt. In the SEC Player of the Year the Bobcats get another guy that fits the mold of a guy who’s had success in college. He's also a proven scorer, which they could definitely use. If MJ holds on to Multiplicity, this will be one of our favorite teams to watch in the East next year.

23. New York: Tiago Splitter, C, Brazil. After the Fredric Weis debacle, it’s a foregone conclusion that a Euro (again, this term knows no continental boundaries) will get booed mercilessly on draft night. So that’s comedy right there. But in keeping with Isiah’s under-the-radar picks from the last few years, this guy can actually play, and he’s limber enough to not get jumped over by Air Canada. It’ll be worth it just to see the Knicks fans slowly warm to him.

24. Phoenix: Nick Fazekas, PF, Nevada. Though we're not entirely sold on him yet, if the reports about his ability to consistently shoot 75% from three in workouts across the country have any bearing on what the future holds for him, the Suns could be a great fit. We see him filling the vacancy Tim Thomas left this year, giving them five three-point threats on the floor at once. The corners would never be safe with a Nash/Barbosa/Bell/Marion/Fazekas lineup on the floor.

25. Utah: Sean Williams, PF/C, Boston College. Apocalypse Now! Imagine putting a lazy, pot-smoking, giant black man in the middle of Mormon Country. Imagine him calling Boozer an Uncle Tom. Imagine Sean and AK-47 blocking everything around the hoop by day and hitting up SLC by night. Imagine Sean cuckolding Okur. Imagine Sloan telling Sean to get off his lawn at every opportunity.


26. Houston: Dominic McGuire, SF, Fresno St. The Adelman hire signals that Houston’s committed to getting more exciting, but at this point in the draft you’re not going to find many ready-made scorers or playmakers. McGuire is raw as fuck, but if you commit to watchability you have to draft guys like this and watch them grow (or fall flat, as the case may be). Houston needs a jolt, and an Arron Afflalo-type isn’t going to give it to them.

27. Detroit: Arron Afflalo, SG, UCLA. While we hold out hope that they read the writing on the wall and blow this team up, Afflalo as a potential Bowen/Raja guy will fit here well as a guy committed to defense. But while we're on the topic, how much more awesome (and by awesome we mean interesting, not necessarily good) would Rasheed be on any other team? Same goes for Tayshaun and Rip. Chauncey, it's up to you to take the plunge.


28. San Antonio: Petteri Koponen, PG, Finland (Honka Playboys!). Script treatment for Finnish Flavor: The Petteri Koponen Story. Defending champion drafts for need, thinking they can mold the brash young point guard into their system. Petteri arrives on scene, is much crazier than anyone expected. Convinces players who used to be off the wall (Parker, Manu, the older but wise Oberto) to cut loose and have fun. Eva introduces Petteri to young Scandinavian cheerleader named Ingrid. Established star and no-nonsense coach prove harder to convince, shackle young point to bench. Petteri eventually teaches them how to love again, bringing the team to new heights as they embrace the fun aspects of the game. Petteri proposes to Ingrid. Last shot freeze-frames as entire team throws Petteri into Riverwalk after victorious Game 7. Roll credits.


29. Phoenix: Aaron Brooks, PG, Oregon. If Kerr's not willing to already, his hand needs to be forced in this case to use one of their two picks on Brooks. As if the Suns need to get any more entertaining, the Brooks/Barbosa backcourt would be irresistible to watch. While Brooks probably doesn't have the playmaking abilities to replace Nash down the road, the sheer speed they could put on the floor would create match up nightmares for every team in the league.

30. Philadelphia: Morris Almond, SG, Rice. Philly needs all the scorers it can get at this point, and Almond can certainly score. Throw him in there with Thornton, Iggy, and Andre Miller and you’ve got a team that could challenge for a playoff spot.