Showing posts with label mascots. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mascots. Show all posts

9/20/07

Things Are More Moderner Than Before

The Charlotte Bobcats have finally reached an agreement with the Montana rancher who owned the rights to bobcats.com, thus ending Charlotte's municipal nightmare over whether or not their basketball team would get to use a site name even simpler than bobcatsbasketball.com (via Charlotte Observer). The Bobcats are not a franchise to parcel out dynamite scoops one at a time, though, so they also announced Tuesday that they'll be trotting out new uniforms, using a new secondary logo, and redesigning the court for next season. In the words of team president Fred Whitfield, these changed "are about us improving as franchise -- on and off the floor." I commend the Bobcats for these changes, but there's one more they should make if they want to make the jump from expansion team to legit franchise: dump Rufus Lynx, their mascot.


At the beginning of August, I wrote a series of posts on the East and West mascots and their fits for their franchises. They were almost entirely lighthearted and two of my favorite posts to write, if only because I got to see some insane mascots I didn't know much about. For instance, you haven't really lived until you've seen the insane dog that Indiana calls Bowser, or Philly's Hip Hop the Rabbit, or Orlando's Stuff the Magic Dragon. Rufus, on the other hand, is shocking on an entirely different, much less innocent level.

Put quite simply, Rufus Lynx is a racist mascot. From his stereotypical slave name to this picture of him in pimp garb, Rufus is as close to a minstrel show performer as you're going to find in an NBA arena. Given that the league consists of mostly black players playing in front of mostly white audiences, I'm shocked that such a clear racial issue hasn't been talked about before. When you factor in that Robert Johnson, the founder of BET, owns the Bobcats, the entire situation just boggles the mind.



In that first mascot post, I summarized most of my thoughts on Rufus, but I neglected to link to his bio, which has so many ridiculous statements that I won't be able to do them justice in a normal paragraph. Trust me, you want these in numbered format:

1) "Those of you who have witnessed this furry but lovable character out in the community can positively testify to his character..." The phrase "furry but lovable" suggests that his fur usually precludes him from being lovable. In a sense, Rufus is "one of the good ones." Additionally, it seems like those that have seen him need to reassure their friends that he's safe. Odd.
2) "This hip team player will even use his natural characteristics..." The first in a series of descriptions that make it seem like Rufus is incapable of learning skills. Everything is a natural advantage.
3) "Rufus likes to ambush his prey with short bursts of speed and agility" This probably wouldn't seem like a big deal if not for the other issues, but it becomes a problem given everything else we hear about Rufus. Again, it's all about athleticism. Also, I realize that the Bobcats want their mascot to seem fearsome, but I doubt that the Jazz make Bear out to be a predator.
4) "It’s well-known that bobcats can leap 10 feet without any problems, but Rufus Lynx reaches even higher heights." Out of all the tremendous athletes of his species, Rufus jumps the highest. Why emphasize his species?
5) "There is an unbelievable soft side to Rufus Lynx" This could either mean that Rufus has a huge soft side or that it's hard to believe that someone like Rufus could have a soft side. Take your pick -- the latter is obviously worse.
6) "At first glance, Rufus appears in his orange color fur, dark sunglasses and high-top sneakers. Underneath his exterior is the heart of a lion, the strength of 10 men and the greatest enthusiasm in the NBA." Carries a good message about looking deep inside of people, but why even focus on his appearance as being the first thing we should look at? Why is his fur so terrifying in the first place?
7) "HEIGHT We can’t measure him; he won’t stand still" I don't even know what to say about this one.
8) There are countless other comments on Rufus's natural abilities, but listing them would be a chore. Honestly, they might as well have said that he has extra fast-twitch muscles.



Now, to be fair, they do explain the name. The genus/species name for a bobcat is "lynx rufus," which means that they didn't just pick "Rufus" out of a hat. In fact, that's mostly why I don't think the Bobcats brass made a conscious decision to make Rufus as awful as he is. Yet that doesn't make all of this business okay. I might be reading a lot into Rufus Lynx, but I think there's something there.

In the midst of all this change in Charlotte, this is an easily correctable issue. Plenty of teams -- particularly those in the Southeast Division -- have insane, nonsensical mascots that work a hell of a lot better than Rufus. Charlotte could have a new mascot after ten minutes of brainstorming, and they'd fix a lot of potential problems. I promise it'll be easy. At the very least, they'll do better than this guy.

8/3/07

Pendulous Skin (West Edition)


The Plissken Mascot Spectacular reaches its exciting conclusion today with the breakdown of the Western Conference. For those who missed my look at the Eastern Conference mascots, I’m interested in how mascots match up with their respective franchises. The only mascots to get my arbitrary “perfect fit” ranking in the East were Benny (Bulls), Hooper the Horse (Detroit), and Harry Hawk (Atlanta), so the West teams have the chance to assert dominance in this field, too. However, I imagine they'll have a tough time rivaling the supreme insanity of Stuff the Magic Dragon (Orlando), Rufus Lynx (Charlotte), Bowser the Dog (Indiana), Hip Hop the Rabbit (Philly), and Burnie (Miami). Let’s git to gittin’.

Northwest Division


Denver Nuggets
Mascot: Rocky the Cougar
Description: Golden boy cougar
Strengths: Clean, classic mascot look.
Weaknesses: Must have some skeletons in his closet.
Fit with Current Team: Pretty awful. AI, Melo, and JR Smith all have less-than-clean reputations.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Eduardo Najera (aesthetically)



Minnesota Timberwolves
Mascot: Crunch
Description: Asshole wolf
Strengths: Being a dick.
Weaknesses: Making friends.
Fit with Current Team: Pretty good. I can’t imagine anyone’s too excited to be playing for the T-Wolves these days, so reactions like these from Crunch make sense.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Rashad McCants


Portland Trail Blazers
Mascot: Blaze the Trail Cat
Description: Gray mountain lion modeled on the Pink Panther
Strengths: Appears to be a solid mascot with no awful history.
Weaknesses: A bit uninspiring.
Fit with Current Team: Decent. “Good citizen” label fits, but this Blazers team is going to eat faces. Blaze needs to find his animal core if he wants to roll with Oden and Roy.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Channing Frye



(many thanks to Bethlehem Shoals for recently posting the video)
Seattle SuperSonics
Mascot: Squatch
Description: Hairier Chewbacca or taller, cleaned-up Cousin Itt
Strengths: The coolest-looking mascot in the league.
Weaknesses: Image threatens to eclipse solid skills as mascot.
Fit with Current Team: Up in the air. New ownership appears to be looking for fresh start with rookies and new city, which would render Squatch irrelevant. (Note: Squatch is maybe the best reason to keep the Sonics in Seattle.)
Closest Match on Current Roster: Robert Swift


Utah Jazz
Mascot: Bear
Description: Karl Malone in bear form; “The Energy Solutions Arena of mascots,” according to Carter
Strengths: Riding motorcycles. Getting the job done.
Weaknesses: Gets said job done in as boring a way as possible. Any endorsement opportunity.



Fit with Current Team: Frustratingly solid. Current team is capable of playing an exciting brand of basketball (see Warriors series), but Sloan will always make them retreat to structure.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Carlos Boozer

Southwest Division



Dallas Mavericks
Mascots: Mavs Man and Champ the Horse
Description: Man made out of a basketball and his blue horse
Strengths: Mavs Man always gets first pick on playground because it’s his ball. I’ve never seen a blue horse before, and I wanted to see a blue horse.
Weaknesses: Least imaginative names ever. Bring nothing new to the table.
Fit with Current Team: Awful. Call Dirk a loser if you want, but the Mavericks are fun. DeSagana, Dirk, and Pops are great names, too.
Closest Matches on Current Roster: Josh Howard (Mavs Man if he were a real player) and Greg Buckner (Champ the Horse)


Houston Rockets
Mascot: Clutch the Bear
Description: Most adorable bear in the universe on the surface, absolute terror underneath
Strengths: Harmless facade tricks victims into false sense of safety.



Weaknesses: Occasionally takes the joke too far, albeit hilariously.



Fit with Current Team: Almost perfect. Most of team looks extremely harmless/disinterested on surface (T-Mac, Yao, Franchise), but amazing talents lie dormant just waiting to strike. The only issue is that Clutch’s name doesn’t jive with recent performances in the playoffs.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Tracy McGrady


Memphis Grizzlies
Mascot: Griz
Description: A bluish grizzly bear
Strengths: Eating Timothy Treadwell.
Weaknesses: Even more unimaginative name than “Mavs Man.” Sandwiches.
Fit with Current Team: Poor. Will need to improve conditioning if he wants to run with Iavaroni.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Damon Stoudamire


New Orleans Hornets
Mascot: Hugo
Description: A slightly effeminate teal hornet
Strengths: Funny without being inexplicable.
Weaknesses: Feels like a holdover from another era.
Fit with Current Team: Poor. Hornets are clearly going in another direction, but Hugo’s still in the spotlight.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Peja Stojakovic


San Antonio Spurs
Mascot: The Coyote
Description: Basehead coyote
Strengths: Ruthless killer.
Weaknesses: Kills for drug money.
Fit with Current Team: Egregiously terrible. Lacks even keel needed to play in Pop’s system.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Marcus Williams (the one from Arizona)

Pacific Division


Golden State Warriors
Mascot: Thunder
Description: Anthropomorphized blue spandex
Strengths: Extremely athletic.
Weaknesses: Way too clean of a look.
Fit with Current Team: Could do worse. Athleticism would buy him minutes on the wing, but not rough enough around the edges to be a team leader.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Mickael Pietrus (and even he’s too rough. That makes me proud.)


Los Angeles Clippers
Mascot: Frankie Muniz (Billy Crystal a better choice as a fan, but Frankie is more of a mascot and needs the work)
Description: Has-been actor at age 21
Strengths: Apparently owns a lot of fast cars.
Weaknesses: Clearly became a Clippers fan just so he’d be a recognizable celebrity. No longer a celebrity.
Fit with Current Team: Solid. Only time will tell if the playoff success of two seasons ago was a fluke, but for now I’m willing to put the Clippers way above Frankie on the Hollywood power rankings.
Fit with Historical Team: Perfect. The Clippers will always play fifth fiddle to the Lakers in LA.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Jared Jordan



Los Angeles Lakers
Mascot: Mulholland Man
Description: Jack Nicholson
Strengths: Coolest guy in his profession. Winner of multiple Academy Awards.
Weaknesses: Devolved into self-parody. Drugs.
Fit with Current Team: Perfect. Lakers still hold a lot of sway over the NBA landscape, but they’re seriously diminished when compared to their past champions.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Phil Jackson


Phoenix Suns
Mascot: Go-Rilla
Description: Trampolining gorilla in people clothes
Strengths: Experience. Flashy without being obnoxious.
Weaknesses: Hasn’t changed game much in recent years.
Fit with Current Team: Nearly perfect. Suns have spent a few years in D’Antoni Ball, but it may be time for them to admit they need some new pieces.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Steve Nash


Sacramento Kings
Mascot: Slamson the Lion
Description: Entirely nondescript lion
Strengths: Fairly regal look. Unintentionally hilarious name.
Weaknesses: Boring in its simplicity.
Fit with Current Team: Great. The Kings haven’t been too interesting for a while now.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Spencer Hawes

What Did We Learn?

The West might be the vastly superior conference on the court, but—with a few notable exceptions (e.g. Squatch, Clutch, Mulholland Man)—it can’t compete with the East in terms of sheer mascot lunacy and relevancy.

8/2/07

Pendulous Skin (East Edition)


Kevin Garnett coming off the market this week represents the end of intense trade rumors and, to be honest, the event has taken a lot out of me. I’m not burnt out on the offseason quite yet, but I need a break from speculating about Matt Barnes and Mickael Pietrus. So I’m going in the complete opposite direction and writing about mascots.

Basketball mascots aren’t asked to do as much as their counterparts in other sports. In baseball, the mascot can distract fans during the long periods of downtime, while the football mascot parades around the sidelines all game long. Conversely, the basketball mascot must stay close to the court in order to perform during timeouts, but there isn’t enough sideline room or dead time for him to be a genuine attraction during gameplay.

However, as with all aspects of a franchise, the best mascots become extensions of the overarching organizational philosophy. At the very least, a solid mascot will have some of the characteristics of a team’s star or coach. With that in mind, here is Plissken’s look at NBA mascots as they match up with their respective teams. This post tackles East mascots only. Look for the West soon.

Atlantic Division


Boston Celtics
Mascot: Lucky the Leprechaun
Description: White guy in a decent St. Patrick’s Day costume
Strengths: Looking like a clown. Offending Irish people. Representative of fanbase.
Weaknesses: Everything else.
Fit with Current Team: Poor at best. KG, Allen, and Pierce will never respect this guy.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Brian Scalabrine (duh)


New Jersey Nets
Mascot: Sly the Fox
Description: Smiling fox with shag of indeterminate color
Strengths: Looking cheerful. Clever. Athletic.
Weaknesses: Hangs out with Michael Douglas. Virtually indistinguishable from a Timberwolf.
Fit with Current Team: Solid. Gets the job done but will never be a true mascot champion.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Jason Kidd beats Richard Jefferson by a hair


New York Knicks
Mascot: Spike Lee (no official mascot)
Description: Simultaneously overrated and unfairly maligned film director
Strengths: Real fan in an industry lacking them. Attends the draft. Gets upset when necessary.
Weaknesses: Lack of recent playoff games has dimmed his fandom star.
Fit with Current Team: Close to perfect. Roster is full of good players making too much money for several successes (Do the Right Thing, 25th Hour) when they’ve had almost as many disappointments (She Hate Me, Summer of Sam). Still, they mostly remain likeable.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Eddy Curry


Philadelphia 76ers
Mascot: Hip Hop the Rabbit
Description: White man’s approximation of an “urban” rabbit
Strengths: Looking like a rat.
Weaknesses: Constantly looking awkward.
Fit with Current Team: Awful. Andre Miller and Iggy do not deserve this monstrosity.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Shavlik Randolph


Toronto Raptors
Mascot: The Raptor
Description: Red dinosaur of unclear species
Strengths: Looks more like real animal than most mascots. Legitimately scary for young children.
Weaknesses: Lists Jurassic Park III as one of his favorite movies.
Fit with Current Team: Excellent. Still looks fresh. You definitely don’t want to match up against a raptor in the open floor.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Chris Bosh (no brainer)


Central Division


Chicago Bulls
Mascot: Benny
Description: Shaggy, youthful red bull
Strengths: Perfect for young children.
Weaknesses: Lacks maturity necessary to make him one of the best.
Fit with Current Team: Perfect. Youth wins out, but they need the look of experience.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Tyrus Thomas


Cleveland Cavaliers
Mascot: Moondog
Description: Scruff McGruff’s semi-retarded nephew
Strengths: Excitable. Friendly.
Weaknesses: Clearly lacks focus.
Fit with Current Team: Poor. Lack of focus doesn’t jive with defensive intensity and excitable nature doesn’t fit with plodding offense.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Sasha Pavlovic


Detroit Pistons
Mascot: Hooper the Horse
Description: Mostly nondescript horse with flashes of brilliance around the edges
Strengths: Dependable. Occasionally thrilling.
Weaknesses: Large patches of plain costume.
Fit with Current Team: Perfect. Just interesting enough to keep me compelled.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Rip Hamilton, although tempted to pick Sheed for the hair alone


Indiana Pacers
Mascots: Boomer the Panther and Bowser the Dog
Description: A very black cat and his legitimately insane dog friend
Strengths: Bring different kinds of games but add up to make an inexplicably great buddy tandem.
Weaknesses: Panther scares whitebread crowd with his blackness. Dog frightens everyone with his insanity.
Fit with Current Team: Inarguably terrible. These two are clearly left over from another era of the Pacers.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Jermaine O’Neal (Boomer) and Jamaal Tinsley (Bowser)
Closest Match in Recent Memory: Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson (that wrote itself)


Milwaukee Bucks
Mascot: Bango
Description: Entirely dependable buck
Strengths: Timeless look. Will never be any less than solid.
Weaknesses: Not exactly the most inspiring mascot around.
Fit with Current Team: Solid. Enough positives to keep people feeling good, but not enough to make the team exciting.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Michael Redd

Southeast Division



Atlanta Hawks

Mascot: Harry Hawk
Description: A bright red hawk
Strengths: Rides motorcycles on city streets in full costume.
Weaknesses: Beats up little kids.



Fit with Current Team: The best fit in the league. Crazy in both the good and bad ways.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Josh Smith on the floor, Billy Knight in the front office


Charlotte Bobcats
Mascot: Rufus Lynx
Description: Racistly named orange bobcat
Strengths: Setting back the civil rights movement.
Weaknesses: Everything else.
Fit with Current Team: Outrageously awful. How did Robert Johnson let this happen?
Closest Match on Current Roster: Adam Morrison is the only person on the team who comes close to Rufus Lynx in terms of the amount I dislike them. But I would never compare anyone to Rufus Lynx.


Miami Heat
Mascot: Burnie
Description: Anthropomorphized ember, Youppi!’s failure cousin


Strengths: None.
Weaknesses: Likes Jimmy Buffett. Extremely arrogant. Awful in every way.
Fit with Current Team: Unclear. Decent for the aging role players, but a poor fit for Dwyane and Shaq.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Michael Doleac


Orlando Magic
Mascot: Stuff the Magic Dragon
Description: A dragon in the worst trip imaginable
Strengths: Harshing your buzz. Bright colors attractive to toddlers.
Weaknesses: Being taken seriously by anyone older than 12 months.
Fit with Current Team: Poor. The Rashard Lewis deal signals that the team wants to be taken more seriously in the playoffs, and Stuff looks like a reject costume for Baby Bop on Barney.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Hedo Turkoglu


Washington Wizards
Mascot: G. Wiz
Description: A shaggy blue thing of indeterminate origin
Strengths: Compelling in its sheer inexplicability. Simultaneously something and nothing. (Note to creator of Burnie: this is how you make a non-thing mascot.)
Weaknesses: Limp nose.
Fit with Current Team: Decent. Team is reasonably well defined as a scoring machine, but something tells me Gilbert would hang out with this guy after games.
Closest Match on Current Roster: Gilbert Arenas